Oh wow. This came in in such a right time especially after my previous post http://lyssapathoflife.blogspot.com/2013/06/i-lost-it-and-was-sorry-then-i-felt.html

Another lesson from Dr Laura Markham. Currently I am testing out No. 3, 4, 5 & 7. NOT AN EASY TASK I tell ya!

"If you're upset, it is the wrong thing to say or do and will only aggravate the situation. It is not what you want to say. It does not represent your true intention and is therefore inauthentic. The proof to this inauthenticity is that later you regret your words and actions and they build walls between you and your child." -- Naomi Aldort

When we're angry at our children, most of us burst out with comments we would never say if we were calm. Later, we're remorseful. We apologize. But kids react to our yelling by putting another brick in the wall between us, and dismantling that wall isn't easy.

Or, we justify having yelled: "There's just no other way to get through to that kid." (That reinforces the wall.)

Wouldn't it be amazing to simply stop yelling, even when you're angry? It's completely possible. No matter who you are, no matter how your child acts.

Hard work? The hardest there is. But you and your child will be much closer, which means he'll want to behave better. And watching you manage your emotions will help him learn to regulate his own emotions better.

The key is supporting yourself so you're less likely to lose it. Here's your ten point plan.

1. Take a public vow of Yellibacy. Make a sticker reward chart for "Respectful Voice" and put it on the fridge. Your child decides whether you get a sticker each day. Obviously, yelling is not a respectful voice. Notice you can still guide your child -- just respectfully.

Are you against sticker charts? Me too, for kids, because they teach the wrong lessons. But since parents have all the power in the family, this is a way to empower the child to hold the parent accountable. I'm not worried about teaching the parent the wrong lesson. :-)

2. Make sure you aren't running on empty. You can't act much nicer than you feel. If you're running on empty, how can you regulate your emotions? Find sustainable ways to keep your nature sunny, so you can give your child the best of yourself. That keeps you ready to rise to the occasion when your child pushes your buttons.

3. Set limits with your child before things get out of control while you can still be empathic and keep your sense of humor. Notice that by the time you're losing it, not yelling is only possible if you bite your tongue so hard you give yourself a piercing. You’re only human, so of course you’ll yell once you get pushed over the edge. It’s your responsibility to stay away from the edge!

4. Remember that children will act like children. That’s their job. How will they know where the limits are unless they test them? How will they let you know they need your help with their tangled-up feelings if they don't "act out"? Your job is to set the limits with empathy and kindness, and stay connected while they express their upsets.

5. Stop yelling and start connecting. You're yelling because you want to change your child's behavior, right? That's not actually the best way to change her behavior long-term. Instead, try empathy.

You can still set limits as necessary. But take the time to see things from your child's point of view. Empathize with her, and help her meet whatever needs she was trying to meet in a better way, whether that's

Mastery ("You're screaming because you wanted to do it yourself? Here, let's pull over the chair for you to climb up, and you can do it yourself"),

Connection ("I hear that whiny voice...this is a tired time of day, isn't it? Come, let's put you in the carrier so you can watch over my shoulder while I make dinner and stay very close.").

or some other need. If you address the need or emotion behind the behavior, you change the behavior. Without raising your voice.

6. Teach emotional regulation. Kids learn emotional regulation from our staying calm and empathic in the face of their upsets. When we say "You are so mad! Tell me in words! No hitting." to our toddler, he learns that being angry is ok, there's even a word for it, and Mommy understands how he feels. That helps him control his impulse to hit. If, instead, we tell him he's a bad boy, he may try to squelch his anger, but that only works temporarily, so his anger will burst out uncontrolled at another time.

7. Play instead. Kids respond to the "tone" of our energy. When we have an edge in our voice, they feel frightened, and move into "fight or flight" which means they start raising their own voices, arguing, or melting down. If, instead, you can respond to minor infractions with a sense of humor and playfulness, kids tend to relax and cooperate. So instead of "I told you to go take your bath right now!" try "I am the robot of the bath...I have come to carry you off to the bathroom" with a mechanical voice and lumbering gait that gets your child squealing with laughter and running ahead of you up the stairs.

8. Notice what triggers you. When we yell, it's because we're triggered. Before we know it, we're acting like our own parents. The best way to avoid getting triggered is to talk about your own childhood with someone you trust. How did your parents handle your anger? Did you get yelled at? How did it make you feel? Surface those feelings and breathe your way through them and let them go. You're deactivating your triggers.

9. When you find yourself yelling, or in the middle of losing your temper, just Stop. Even if you're in the middle of a sentence. As soon as you notice your voice is raised, shut your mouth. Walk away. Breathe.

10. Teach only love. If you're angry, don't try to teach your child "a lesson." You won't be teaching the lesson you're aiming for. Instead, just stop. Breathe. Say a little mantra, like "Kids need love most when they deserve it least." Wait until you're calm. You'll intervene so much more effectively then.

If you're still yelling, why not take a vow of yellibacy? Try it for a week. I'm betting you'll see a wonderful change in your family, one that will keep you going long after your experiment ends. In a year, you won't remember the last time you yelled. Miraculous? Yes. But this is something you can do. Which doesn't make it less of a miracle.

I think this is a wonderful example on how we can control the situation when your child hits you. I do agree that punishment will not help because your child does not know how to manage his or her anger. Even this happens to adults sometimes. Hence, it is our duty as a parent to help guide our child the right way to manage their anger without hurting anyone in the process.

I know this will be a long process for me as Ayden is only two years old. And since I have a hot temper, I need to learn how to calm myself down before I calm my kid. So, I am sharing this here as a reminder to myself on how to deal with such situation. Hope it helps you too :)


From the blog post at http://www.ahaparenting.com/_blog/Parenting_Blog/post/child_hits_parent/

"For me the biggest problem still remains my own anger and fear when my boy is crossing the line -- especially regarding safety. He has hurt me badly so many times. I know that probably he didn't mean it but the pain sometimes brought me to tears. I wish I could remain calm in those kind of situations."

Staying calm when our child hurts us is almost impossible. Pain sends us immediately into our lower brain stem, which governs the "fight or flight" impulse, and our child immediately looks like the enemy. That automatically drops us onto "the low road" of parenting. You know the low road. It’s when you snarl at your child through clenched teeth, or start screaming, or become physically rough. When you lose all access to reason and feel justified in having your own little tantrum.

What should you do when your child hurts you? In that moment, nothing. Any action you take with your child from that state will have results that aren't good for either of you. You will almost certainly perpetuate a cycle that includes physical violence. That doesn't mean you don't set clear limits. You actually have a lot of power to prevent this situation from recurring. It's just that you need to regulate your own emotions before you can help your child regulate his.

Children learn to regulate their strong emotions when we:

1. Accept all feelings.

2. Set firm, clear limits on actions.

3. Regulate our own emotions so that we act with respect.

Let's look at this in action:

Six year old Adrian hurls himself at his mother, scratching and clawing. "NOOOOO!!! That's not fair!! I hate you!!!"

Mom sidesteps, but not fast enough. Her arm has a long, nasty, red streak. She shrieks, in pain and outrage. She takes a deep breath, says "OOOWWW! That hurts!! I need to take care of myself right now. I will talk with you after I calm down." She goes into the bathroom and shuts the door. (If the child has abandonment issues or is younger than five, she leaves the door open.)

Mom does NOT use the time in the bathroom to review all the reasons her child is an ungrateful, mean brat who is on track to becoming an axe murderer. Instead, she tenderly washes her arm to calm the wounded child inside her who wants revenge. She counts to ten, taking deep breaths. She reminds herself that her child is having a hard time regulating his emotions, and that HER ability to stay calm is a critical factor in his learning this skill.

She reminds herself that her goal is to raise a child who WANTS to control his anger and has the emotional intelligence to do it. That means punishment actually won't help here. Instead, he needs to reconnect with her and to get some help managing his emotions.

By the time Mom comes out of the bathroom five minutes later, she has shifted herself onto the High Road of parenting. You know what the high road is -- when you're seeing things from your child's perspective so you can respond to him with patience and understanding.

Mom goes over to her son and gets down on his level, although far enough back so that he can't hit her face. (This reduces his fear so he's less likely to lash out.) "That really hurt me. I know you were angry. But I won't let you hurt me. People are NOT for hitting."

Adrian: "But it's not fair. I NEED to go to Jake's house. You said I could, yesterday." (Notice that Adrian is ignoring the fact that he hit her. Mom realizes that until she helps him with these feelings, he won't be able to absorb the lesson she wants to teach about hitting.)

Mom: "Yes, I did. I see why you're so disappointed. But things have changed now, because Grandma needs us to come spend the night with her. I won't be able to come back to pick you up at Jake's. I'm so sorry. I know you were looking forward to it."

Adrian: "You broke your promise! You're a liar!"

Adrian is still very angry, but Mom's empathy keeps him calm enough that he doesn't lash out physically this time -- only verbally. He storms away from her, across the room. Mom knows this is actually an improvement -- he removed himself rather than hitting.

Mom: (Accepting her son's anger.) "You're really mad at me, Adrian. You think I broke my promise." Mom ignores his calling her a liar, which, to him, she is at that moment, even if she usually keeps her word to him. She acknowledges the anger and upset that are causing him to attack.

Adrian: (yelling) "You DID break your promise! You told me I could go!"

Mom: (Ignoring, for now, his raised voice, mom speaks kindly and calmly, validating his anger. She models taking responsibility.) "I gave you permission to go and now I won't let you. You're right; I didn't keep my word. There was a good reason, but I still broke my word. No wonder you feel mad and hurt."

Adrian: (Mom's empathy is helping him trust her with the source of his upset.) "All the rest of the kids are going! I'll be the only one who isn't there!"

Mom: "Oh, Sweetie. No wonder you're upset. You want to be there with all the other kids."

Adrian attacks again. He'd rather fight than cry -- it feels better. "You never let me go! No wonder I don't have any friends! It's because you're a liar and a terrible mom!"

Mom doesn't point out all the things she does for him, or that she keeps her word to him most of the time. She doesn't even argue about whether he has friends. She stays compassionate and empathizes with his upset. "Oh, Sweetie, I'm sorry this is so hard...I wish I could let you go today."

Adrian's tears well up. Mom's understanding is helping him feel safe enough to feel the vulnerability and fear under his anger. "You don't understand! If I don't go, they won't let me play basketball with them at recess!"

Mom: "You're worried you'll be left out after this?"

Adrian begins to sob. Mom moves closer to hug him. He cries for awhile, and finally stops, sniffling.

Adrian: "Jake will be mad at me."

Mom: "Hmmm.....You think so? Just because you can't go today?"

Adrian: "He says only the regulars who practice together can play."

Mom: "Wow! I see why you're worried...Do you really think you'll get left out at recess?"

Adrian: (Thinking more clearly now that he's had a chance to express his feelings) "I don't care if Jake is mad at me. I still get to play basketball. I'll get the teacher to help if they won't let me play."

Mom: "That's an idea. Is it the rule that everyone's allowed to play?

Adrian: "Yeah. And anyway, they should want me on their team. I'm a good passer."

Mom: "I would always want you on my team."

Adrian hugs her.

Mom: "But Adrian, there's something important we need to talk about. Look at my arm."

Adrian: (Non-defensive, now that he's come to terms with the source of his upset) "I'm sorry, Mom. Does it hurt?"

Mom: "Yes, it hurts. Adrian, I understand why you were mad. You can be as mad as you want. But I will NOT let you hit me. People are not for hitting."

Adrian: "I didn't mean to hurt you. I was really mad."

Mom: "I understand you were really mad. Mad is ok. But there's no excuse for hitting, EVER. What can you do next time you get so mad?"

Adrian: "I know, I'm supposed to use my words."

Mom: "Yes. And if you can't do that, what can you do?"

Adrian: "Scream?"

Mom: "That's better than hitting."

Adrian: "Stomp my foot?"

Mom: "Great Idea! And you can also try what I do. Count to ten, taking deep breaths. Let's try it."

Adrian: "Ok." (They count to ten together, taking deep breaths.)

Mom: "Adrian, do you think you can do these things next time you're angry? Because angry is fine, but hitting is NEVER ok. I would never hit you. I will not let you hit me."

Adrian: "Mom, I won't hit any more. I'm getting better at controlling myself. I was surprised when you told me, that's all."

Mom: "Adrian, it was fine you got angry. And maybe I could have done a better job telling you. And I understand that even though I had a good reason, I broke my word to you. But even if you are completely right to be really mad about something, it is NEVER ok to hit, no matter what. Ok?"

Adrian: "Ok. Shake on it." (They shake hands.)

Mom: "Do we need a reminder code for when you're getting angry?"

Adrian: "Can you yell 'Time Out!'? Like a referee?"

Mom: "Sure, I can try that. What will you do when you hear 'Time Out'?"

Adrian: "I'll count to ten and breathe, no matter what."

Mom: "Ok, it's a deal. Now, let's get ready to go to Grandma's. We're behind schedule now, so I really need your help to get ready."

Adrian: "I'll be fast!"

Do kids always recover so quickly? No. But the more you practice this approach, the more quickly they can get themselves regulated, and the less often they'll lose it. When you calm yourself, they follow your lead.

What has Adrian learned?
•Some valuable skills to control himself.
•That his mom can help him sort things out when he's upset.
•That when there's a problem, the mature thing to do is own up to your part in creating it, as his mother did.
•That he's capable of hurting someone else, and he really does NOT want to do that.
•That his mother will set limits on his actions to keep everyone safe, which is a great relief.
•That his feelings are acceptable, and have a way of evaporating once he lets himself feel them. He can choose whether to act on them.


And, maybe most important of all, that his mother's love for him is unconditional, even when he's crossed the line. Because with love, there is no line. There is only love.

A good article on how we can control ourselves when we feel like blowing up. (A reminder to myself too since my temper ain't good at all). The problem for me is my inner self (and also many other people) feels that if I do not correct my child there and then, he will always do the same mistakes again and again. I guess for me I got to accept that it is ok not to do anything at the moment I feel my temper arises and deal with it when I am much calmer. This isn't easy for me as I was not brought up like that nor it is an Asian thing to do. I have to try to look pass all of this and work on what I think it is right. Phewwww..parenting is a crazy job

Notice your feeling, BREATHE, RESIST taking action, WORK HARD on seeing your child's point of view and choose LOVE

Article from Dr Laura

Question from a mother: "Dr. Laura, I see how all your mindfulness techniques make me a more patient mother. But when I find my temper rising, what can I do in that moment? I know yelling doesn't work. I know that my inner critic that tells me I'm a bad mother just makes things worse. But what do I actually DO?" -- Cara"

Answer from Dr Laura:

Nothing. Really. You notice what you're feeling, you breathe your way through it, and you DO nothing.

When our temper rises, we all feel an urgent need to DO something, anything. But that's our emergency response system operating. And parenting, despite how it feels, is not usually an emergency.

So the most effective thing you can do is restore yourself to calm before you act. Why? Because the rational brain stops working when you're angry. So when you act from anger or fear, you're never taking constructive action.

I define mindfulness as just noticing our own feelings and thoughts without acting on them. Meditation teacher Sharon Salzberg says it more directly: "Mindfulness is not hitting someone in the mouth."

Sure, it feels like we MUST intervene at that moment. Otherwise, our child will "get away with" bad behavior, and will become a terrible person. But that's fear speaking, and it drives us to take actions that make things worse. Later, we realize that we let our emotions run amok. We didn't guide our child with love. We didn't help her WANT to be a more loving or cooperative person. Instead, we dumped those yucky feelings from our full emotional backpack onto our child.

So what can you actually DO when you feel your temper rising?

1. Notice that you're starting to get swept into "fight or flight." It might be an exasperated sigh, your voice getting louder, or your jaw clenching. Or maybe your mind starts churning with angry thoughts. Once you notice your "temper rising" you've given yourself a heads-up that trouble's brewing, and you have a choice about how to respond. (Yes, this is hard. But it gets easier if you practice on all those little upsets every day.)

2. Breathe. If there's no physical intervention absolutely required, just hold still and breathe deeply. Even if you're moving toward your child to stop him from hitting the dog or throwing his toy, breathe deeply! This interrupts the stress hormones flooding your body. It makes you aware of all those sensations of anger, so you don't go on auto-pilot and start raging.

3. RESIST taking action. Just breathe and tolerate the feelings until they pass. I guarantee you those feelings will feel awful. You'll feel like lashing out (fight), running away (flight), or numbing yourself with food or a screen (freeze). You might feel like you can't breathe, or like throwing up. But if you keep breathing and tolerate those feelings, they'll pass. Every time you do this, you're emptying your emotional backpack of old baggage, so you're less likely to get hijacked by anger the next time. And you're modeling emotional intelligence for your child. In fact, neuroscientist Dan Siegel says you're actually helping your child's brain grow.

4. Work hard to see things from your child's point of view. If you're sure you're right and the other person's wrong, you're already moving into fight mode, where your child looks like the enemy. So notice those thoughts building up throughout your day that your child is giving you a hard time. If you don't catch them, you'll blow up sooner or later. Re-frame to something that's actually more true: "He's expressing legitimate needs as well as he can; he needs my help."

5. Choose love. Every action we take can be seen as a choice between love and fear. (Fear is always lurking behind your anger.) Once you're breathing and not driven by "fight or flight" you can do what we always tell our children: Make a better choice. You'll know, in the moment, what that means. Maybe you:
•Set a limit, but set it with empathy.
•Summon up all your compassion so your angry child feels safe enough to burst into tears and have a good cry.
•Move into playful mode to let your child save face.
•Hold out your arms for a hug.


Should you teach? Sure, once you're calm, and your child is calm. You'll be able to listen to your child and empathize. You'll make better decisions, more in keeping with the parent you want to be. Until you're calm, don't try to teach, or you'll be inadvertently teaching the wrong lessons.

You're human, so you'll find yourself moving into fight or flight on a regular basis.

Your child is defiant.

Your child is whining.

Your child is tantrumming.

Your child forgets something.

Your child isn't listening to you.

Your child clobbers your other child.

When you feel your temper rising, just Choose love.

And create miracles today, large and small.