For the past two mornings while we were getting ready to place Ayden in the car to send him off to his daycare, Ayden starts making a fuss by wanting to wear his shoes first. We tried to tell him that he can wear it when he reached his school but he let out a tantrum instead. Normally, we do not let him wear his shoes first because he will insist to get down and walk.

So, I decided to use more words to explain the situation to him. I know that wearing shoes in the car is alright and I just got to deal with his thoughts about walking right after he wears his shoes. So this was what happened:-

Ayden: Shoeesssss

Me: You want to wear your shoes now? How about mummy place them in the car and you can wear it when we reach your school?
Ayden: *showing signs of tantrum by hitting me* SHOESSSSSS!!!!!

Me: *stop Ayden from hitting me* You do not hit mummy. Mummy feels pain
Ayden: *hits again*

Me: You do not hit mummy. Mummy feels pain. *and quickly adds on* Mummy know you want to your shoes. You really want to wear your shoes now?
Ayden: *stops his tantrum and nods his head*

Me: Ok then. If you really want to wear them now, daddy will help you put it on…BUT, you need to go into the car first after you wear your shoes. Once mummy drive the car and reach your school, only you can walk into your school.
Ayden: *just concentrating on staring at his shoes and wanting daddy to faster put it on for him*

Me: *repeat the previous sentence two more times while daddy puts on his shoes*
Once his shoes were on,
Ayden: *points to the ground* Walk!

Me: What did mummy say earlier? You can walk when you are in school but not here because you need to go into the car first
Ayden: *points to the ground* Walk!!!! *slight tantrum*

Me: Mummy said you can only put on your shoes if you get into the car straight away after that. Do you want mummy to take it out now?
Ayden: *shakes his head*
Ayden: * whines a little*

Me: Mummy know you want to walk right?
Ayden: *calms down and nods his head* Walk

Me: Then you got to get into the car first and mummy will drive you to school and then the teacher will hold your hands to walk. OK?
If there is not much response or he still whines, then I repeat myself again
Ayden: OK

Me: Ok ya. Mummy will bring you into the car first *brings him in and talks to him while I buckle him up in his carseat* and you can sit here with your shoes on BUT you can only walk once we reach the school. But remember to hold teacher’s hands when you want to walk.

During the car ride to his daycare, he may whine about 1-2 times about wanting to walk now. So I will just say that I am driving now and we have not reached his school. I will again repeat about being able to walk only when he reaches school and remind him to hold the teacher’s hand.

When we arrive in front of his school and while waiting for the teacher to greet us,

Ayden: Take out *pointing to his seat belt*
Me: Ok, mummy will help you take it out *take my own sweet time to get down to allow the teacher time to come out*
I spot the teacher on the way out to get Ayden

Me: *takes out his seat belt* Ok, teacher is here. You wanted to walk right? You can only walk into the school while holding the teacher’s hand

Teacher comes and gets him. At times he will want to walk on the road, away from the school. So I will just say,

Me: Remember what mummy told you? You can only walk if you walked into the school
Teacher takes over and guides him in.

Wow, even writing this makes me feel tired. Imagine I have to do this everyday until he gets it *faints*. I have to have loads more practices on such situations like this before I can stay calm myself down. However in this case, I missed out on dealing with the fact he hit me during his tantrum. Got to include that it next time.

I think this is a wonderful example on how we can control the situation when your child hits you. I do agree that punishment will not help because your child does not know how to manage his or her anger. Even this happens to adults sometimes. Hence, it is our duty as a parent to help guide our child the right way to manage their anger without hurting anyone in the process.

I know this will be a long process for me as Ayden is only two years old. And since I have a hot temper, I need to learn how to calm myself down before I calm my kid. So, I am sharing this here as a reminder to myself on how to deal with such situation. Hope it helps you too :)


From the blog post at http://www.ahaparenting.com/_blog/Parenting_Blog/post/child_hits_parent/

"For me the biggest problem still remains my own anger and fear when my boy is crossing the line -- especially regarding safety. He has hurt me badly so many times. I know that probably he didn't mean it but the pain sometimes brought me to tears. I wish I could remain calm in those kind of situations."

Staying calm when our child hurts us is almost impossible. Pain sends us immediately into our lower brain stem, which governs the "fight or flight" impulse, and our child immediately looks like the enemy. That automatically drops us onto "the low road" of parenting. You know the low road. It’s when you snarl at your child through clenched teeth, or start screaming, or become physically rough. When you lose all access to reason and feel justified in having your own little tantrum.

What should you do when your child hurts you? In that moment, nothing. Any action you take with your child from that state will have results that aren't good for either of you. You will almost certainly perpetuate a cycle that includes physical violence. That doesn't mean you don't set clear limits. You actually have a lot of power to prevent this situation from recurring. It's just that you need to regulate your own emotions before you can help your child regulate his.

Children learn to regulate their strong emotions when we:

1. Accept all feelings.

2. Set firm, clear limits on actions.

3. Regulate our own emotions so that we act with respect.

Let's look at this in action:

Six year old Adrian hurls himself at his mother, scratching and clawing. "NOOOOO!!! That's not fair!! I hate you!!!"

Mom sidesteps, but not fast enough. Her arm has a long, nasty, red streak. She shrieks, in pain and outrage. She takes a deep breath, says "OOOWWW! That hurts!! I need to take care of myself right now. I will talk with you after I calm down." She goes into the bathroom and shuts the door. (If the child has abandonment issues or is younger than five, she leaves the door open.)

Mom does NOT use the time in the bathroom to review all the reasons her child is an ungrateful, mean brat who is on track to becoming an axe murderer. Instead, she tenderly washes her arm to calm the wounded child inside her who wants revenge. She counts to ten, taking deep breaths. She reminds herself that her child is having a hard time regulating his emotions, and that HER ability to stay calm is a critical factor in his learning this skill.

She reminds herself that her goal is to raise a child who WANTS to control his anger and has the emotional intelligence to do it. That means punishment actually won't help here. Instead, he needs to reconnect with her and to get some help managing his emotions.

By the time Mom comes out of the bathroom five minutes later, she has shifted herself onto the High Road of parenting. You know what the high road is -- when you're seeing things from your child's perspective so you can respond to him with patience and understanding.

Mom goes over to her son and gets down on his level, although far enough back so that he can't hit her face. (This reduces his fear so he's less likely to lash out.) "That really hurt me. I know you were angry. But I won't let you hurt me. People are NOT for hitting."

Adrian: "But it's not fair. I NEED to go to Jake's house. You said I could, yesterday." (Notice that Adrian is ignoring the fact that he hit her. Mom realizes that until she helps him with these feelings, he won't be able to absorb the lesson she wants to teach about hitting.)

Mom: "Yes, I did. I see why you're so disappointed. But things have changed now, because Grandma needs us to come spend the night with her. I won't be able to come back to pick you up at Jake's. I'm so sorry. I know you were looking forward to it."

Adrian: "You broke your promise! You're a liar!"

Adrian is still very angry, but Mom's empathy keeps him calm enough that he doesn't lash out physically this time -- only verbally. He storms away from her, across the room. Mom knows this is actually an improvement -- he removed himself rather than hitting.

Mom: (Accepting her son's anger.) "You're really mad at me, Adrian. You think I broke my promise." Mom ignores his calling her a liar, which, to him, she is at that moment, even if she usually keeps her word to him. She acknowledges the anger and upset that are causing him to attack.

Adrian: (yelling) "You DID break your promise! You told me I could go!"

Mom: (Ignoring, for now, his raised voice, mom speaks kindly and calmly, validating his anger. She models taking responsibility.) "I gave you permission to go and now I won't let you. You're right; I didn't keep my word. There was a good reason, but I still broke my word. No wonder you feel mad and hurt."

Adrian: (Mom's empathy is helping him trust her with the source of his upset.) "All the rest of the kids are going! I'll be the only one who isn't there!"

Mom: "Oh, Sweetie. No wonder you're upset. You want to be there with all the other kids."

Adrian attacks again. He'd rather fight than cry -- it feels better. "You never let me go! No wonder I don't have any friends! It's because you're a liar and a terrible mom!"

Mom doesn't point out all the things she does for him, or that she keeps her word to him most of the time. She doesn't even argue about whether he has friends. She stays compassionate and empathizes with his upset. "Oh, Sweetie, I'm sorry this is so hard...I wish I could let you go today."

Adrian's tears well up. Mom's understanding is helping him feel safe enough to feel the vulnerability and fear under his anger. "You don't understand! If I don't go, they won't let me play basketball with them at recess!"

Mom: "You're worried you'll be left out after this?"

Adrian begins to sob. Mom moves closer to hug him. He cries for awhile, and finally stops, sniffling.

Adrian: "Jake will be mad at me."

Mom: "Hmmm.....You think so? Just because you can't go today?"

Adrian: "He says only the regulars who practice together can play."

Mom: "Wow! I see why you're worried...Do you really think you'll get left out at recess?"

Adrian: (Thinking more clearly now that he's had a chance to express his feelings) "I don't care if Jake is mad at me. I still get to play basketball. I'll get the teacher to help if they won't let me play."

Mom: "That's an idea. Is it the rule that everyone's allowed to play?

Adrian: "Yeah. And anyway, they should want me on their team. I'm a good passer."

Mom: "I would always want you on my team."

Adrian hugs her.

Mom: "But Adrian, there's something important we need to talk about. Look at my arm."

Adrian: (Non-defensive, now that he's come to terms with the source of his upset) "I'm sorry, Mom. Does it hurt?"

Mom: "Yes, it hurts. Adrian, I understand why you were mad. You can be as mad as you want. But I will NOT let you hit me. People are not for hitting."

Adrian: "I didn't mean to hurt you. I was really mad."

Mom: "I understand you were really mad. Mad is ok. But there's no excuse for hitting, EVER. What can you do next time you get so mad?"

Adrian: "I know, I'm supposed to use my words."

Mom: "Yes. And if you can't do that, what can you do?"

Adrian: "Scream?"

Mom: "That's better than hitting."

Adrian: "Stomp my foot?"

Mom: "Great Idea! And you can also try what I do. Count to ten, taking deep breaths. Let's try it."

Adrian: "Ok." (They count to ten together, taking deep breaths.)

Mom: "Adrian, do you think you can do these things next time you're angry? Because angry is fine, but hitting is NEVER ok. I would never hit you. I will not let you hit me."

Adrian: "Mom, I won't hit any more. I'm getting better at controlling myself. I was surprised when you told me, that's all."

Mom: "Adrian, it was fine you got angry. And maybe I could have done a better job telling you. And I understand that even though I had a good reason, I broke my word to you. But even if you are completely right to be really mad about something, it is NEVER ok to hit, no matter what. Ok?"

Adrian: "Ok. Shake on it." (They shake hands.)

Mom: "Do we need a reminder code for when you're getting angry?"

Adrian: "Can you yell 'Time Out!'? Like a referee?"

Mom: "Sure, I can try that. What will you do when you hear 'Time Out'?"

Adrian: "I'll count to ten and breathe, no matter what."

Mom: "Ok, it's a deal. Now, let's get ready to go to Grandma's. We're behind schedule now, so I really need your help to get ready."

Adrian: "I'll be fast!"

Do kids always recover so quickly? No. But the more you practice this approach, the more quickly they can get themselves regulated, and the less often they'll lose it. When you calm yourself, they follow your lead.

What has Adrian learned?
•Some valuable skills to control himself.
•That his mom can help him sort things out when he's upset.
•That when there's a problem, the mature thing to do is own up to your part in creating it, as his mother did.
•That he's capable of hurting someone else, and he really does NOT want to do that.
•That his mother will set limits on his actions to keep everyone safe, which is a great relief.
•That his feelings are acceptable, and have a way of evaporating once he lets himself feel them. He can choose whether to act on them.


And, maybe most important of all, that his mother's love for him is unconditional, even when he's crossed the line. Because with love, there is no line. There is only love.

In my previous post (http://lyssapathoflife.blogspot.com/2013/04/chapter-3-part-1-are-you-making-your.html), I promised to reveal my personality.

My Personality Priority is “Comforting” and Secondary Personality Priority is “Pleasing”. I am a little surprised by the first one as I like to follow schedule especially when it comes to my kid although I am not rigid about it. Which personalities did you fall into?

In any case, let us look at how we can improve ourselves knowing our personalities.

Superiority
1. Love Unconditionally – make your children feel you love them under no conditions
2. Push away the negativity – keep in mind that even your child is doing something the wrong way, they are still trying
3. Listen instead of lecture
4. Encourage effort
5. Let the children choose – let them make age appropriate decisions
6. Give yourself some slack

Controlling
1. Limit ordering, correcting and directing
2. Quit correcting – don’t insist on everything to go your way
3. Give up control & give choices – Let your children make some decisions throughout the day
4. Relax! – Choose your battles and deal with those of importance first
5. Limit your “no(s)”

Pleasing
1. Learn to say No – whether to your kids or other people. You cannot please everyone and your job as a parent is not trying to
be their best friend
2. Let yourself be loved unconditionally – your kids respect and affection is not based on how much you do for them

Comforting
1. Root for routines – consistently follow routines made up for your children
2. Balance tolerance with toughness – Too much tolerance may cause a kid to be spoiled
3. Allow natural consequences to play out – establish natural consequences where appropriate


And now for TOOLBOX SOLUTION NO.2 ….The CALM Voice

Just as I shared a little earlier on a post by Dr Laura, McCready also promotes on being calm in any situation. Her advice is to always use the “Calm Voice” whenever you can even if you aren’t talking directly with your child

By using your calm voice, your child will eventually learn that they do not have to raise their voice every time things don’t go their way. And with using that calm tone, it is much faster to calm a child in tantrum rather than raising our voice trying to get our message through

Using the calm voice, it will even help you personally to deal with your everyday issue. So, why not try it?

Before I was a mother, being sick was no big deal. Just need to take my medical leave and rest as much as I can at home, not bothering about the outside world and that includes my husband because he is an adult who is well capable of taking care of himself....and me :P. Sometimes, I am actualy glad I am sick so I can get a break from work and just sleep and watch TV for the whole day.

But now that I am mother, I dread being sick especially when my child is also sick at the same time. I can't even care much for myself, how do I care for my child? Then you might say, how about your hubby? What if my hubby was also sick at the same time??? Yikes!!!!

All I can say is, being a sick parent with a sick child is a disaster

Hmmm...I wonder which personalities we fall into as parents :P

In this chapter, McCready looks into the parents’ behavior instead. She has a point when she said we all have the same thoughts about kids. We feel every kid is different and we need different approaches to deal with them. How about parents? Below is a short quiz to determine your personality which might later help you to focus on what to improve in in raising your kids.

Answer in A,B,C,D and do not take too long to answer each question. Whatever answer that pops into your head at that time, just note it down.

A: Most of the time
B: Often
C: Sometimes
D: Almost Never

1. I find I can do most tasks better than other people
2. I prefer to do tasks that involve significant contributions
3. I work hard, accomplishing much more than most people
4. I try my best in whatever I choose to do
5. It is very difficult for me to cope with failure
6. I try to be perfect
7. I usually know what is right or best
8. I deserve special treatment
9. I am always busy; I usually handle two or more projects at a time
10. I am determined to see my plans carried out, and get things done
11. I am a self-starter
12. I try to make sure things are done right
13. I don’t like to be “out of control”
14. I try to get others to do what should be done
15. I work best when I am boss
16. I try to protect others
17. I like to get praise from others
18. I try to gain approval from people who are important to me
19. I am sensitive to others’ opinion of me
20. I have difficulty saying no
21. I do things for others when I don’t want to, to avoid hurt feelings
22. I let others have their way even when I don’t agree
23. I don’t like to interrupt my kids or bother others to do tasks that I can do for them
24. I feel guilty when I say no to someone
25. I have difficulty getting around to getting things done
26. I don’t volunteer to take responsibility
27. I cannot handle stress
28. I dislike it when people have expectations of me
29. I do things to avoid dissention and conflict at home and work
30. I try to get other to slow down and be comfortable
31. I dislike being the boss for projects or activities
32. I feel that in several areas, I am somewhat inadequate

At the end of this quiz, give yourself marks for each answer. A = 4, B = 3, C = 2 & D =1

Then add the values for 1-8, 9-16, 17-24 & 25-32. Lets name these groups as Quadrant P, Q, R & S.

Choose the top two scores from these 4 quadrants. The highest scored quadrant will be your “Personality Priority” and the second highest scored quadrant will be your “Secondary Personality Priority”

Now, to define those quadrants;

P = Superiority
Q = Controlling
R = Pleasing
S = Comforting

Superiority:
You would find that most of the time, things come fairly easily to you and you often have high achievements. You are a model of confidence and success and demands for perfection and high expectations on yourself and others which sometimes can be unrealistic. In raising kids, these kind of parents will normally correct their kids often and may make their kids feel that they can never measure up to your expectations

Controlling:
In this personality, you will always feel the need to be in control and you like things done in a certain way. On a positive note, you are comfortable in making decisions and managing aspects of your work or family life. At work, you will most likely excel. However, in parenting, the need of control makes you act primarily from the ‘Parent Ego State’ and tend to order, direct and be a bit rigid. This invites power struggle with your kids.

Pleasing:
In this personality, you may be fun to be with and have a lot of friends. You like to keep people happy and try to avoid conflicts, often by saying yes when you mean no. In raising kids, you may find yourself reminding them a lot but may end up doing it on your own, giving in to their whining because you rather avoid confrontation. As a result, you may end up feeling resentful and ignored.

Comforting:
This probably means you are an easygoing parent. You go with the flow without many rules or limits. You will probably not follow routines and may be give more freedom to your kids.


So, which two quadrants you belong into? Do you think it best describes you?

I will reveal mine in Part 2 of Chapter 3 and also ways on how we can change our reactions using our personalities by just making small adjustments.

Me and my son on Valentine's Day 2013

There are basically 3 types of ego states that we use to communicate with our children but normally one trumps over the other two. Those three are “The Parent Ego State” which we most often use, “The Adult Ego State” which other adults normally use especially teachers and “The Child Ego State” which parents rarely use. But surprise, surprise! Our child loves it the most when we are in the child ego state and the least when we are in the parent ego state (not hard to believe when you really think about it). Ok, let me explain these three ego states.

The Parent Ego State automatically comes to us. We give instruction, we correct our children, and we teach them what is right and what is wrong. For example when my child climbs the sofa, I automatically correct him to not stand or jump on the sofa. It is afterall my job to tell him right?

The Adult Ego State controls the situation better by letting go a little but still does some disciplining just like the teachers in school. So to us parents, it might make us wonder why at school our children are “better” behaved compared to at home.

The Child Ego State is where we can play and do stuff without thinking so much but just to enjoy ourselves.

For our children, they will always want us to be in the child ego state and this ego state makes the strongest emotional connection between child and parent. But of course as a parent, we cannot always be in this state…it will be chaotic!

And now, the Toolbox No.1 : Mind, Body & Soul Time

This is the most important tool in the Toolbox, according to McCready. It helps in giving the emotional connection that your child needs as well as increasing their sense of belonging and significance. Her idea is to give each child 10minutes of your time, twice a day just to do what he wants and for you to fully participate without any interruptions. When you spend time with him, make sure you are in the child ego state. Just enjoy the interaction with your child and go crazy with him.

These 10minutes should be spending on activities that provide interaction between the both of you such as playing football, ‘masak-masak’, train, etc etc. No TV or video games as this lessen the interaction. However if you child is much older, perhaps you can play those video games that needs both to interact with each other. During these activities, make sure you are fully there (mind, body and soul). Do not think about what to cook for dinner or when can you iron the clothes etc during this time. The child can sense you are not fully there and this will defeat the purpose.

If you are afraid that after that 10minutes, he would whine for more, plan another activity right after this that does not provide you to be next to him such as drawing, painting, reading near you while you cook etc.

It is not a good idea to lump these two sets of 10minutes into one session as they need reassurance of having you for themselves as the day passes by. If you are able to spend more than 10minutes for each session, this is even better.

It is also better to schedule these time for them as kids actually love following routine. You can always name these time with special names such and “Mummy and Ayden special time” or “Daddy and Ayden play time” etc

McCready claims that most parents notice the difference within few days. There were less tantrums, whining, etc from their children. Overall, it actually makes the relationship closer and stronger between parent and child.

As for me, AK and I spend at least half hour to an hour a day just doing the above with Ayden (during weekdays). During this time, we just concentrate on spending time with him by doing activities he is interested in and just get down and go crazy with him by singing, dancing, rolling on the floor etc. However, it is for half hour straight and not divided into two times a day. We may need to strategize our time again.

Me and my 21month old bub Ayden :)

In Chapter 2, McCready explains which principles influenced her strategies and also introduce Toolbox No.1 to help parents to start of her strategy. The Toolbox No.1 will be shared in another post (Part 2)

Basically, McCready is influenced by Alfred Adler’s principles. There are generally 3 premises to a child’s behavior:-

Premise 1

Other than their basic needs (food & shelter), the children needs a sense of BELONGING and SIGNIFICANCE. Belonging means they need to know how he fits in the family and how is he emotionally connected to each of the members. Significance means feeling capable that he is able to contribute into the family (sense of power)

Premise 2

Actually all their behavior is goal oriented. According to this premise, all those “misbehaviors” are not random and are not purposely done to make your like miserable. It actually means they are in a process of learning about belonging and significance. All those misbehavior is actually a symptom of a deeper issue

Premise 3

A misbehaving child is a discouraged child. This premise means that children misbehave because they are lacking the sense of belonging and significance. Those tantrums and being clingy over you actually means he needs more of those which he does not even know. Children will try few ways to get what they need and this includes undue attention (whines and plead for help even when they can do it themselves), power (challenges and provoke parents so that he can win the battle) and revenge (when he feels he cannot achieve it, he will inflict physical pain or emotional harm)

Adler also categorized children according to their birth orders and feels it makes a difference (I can relate to that and am sure my siblings felt it too growing up). Generally, the older child feels a high sense of belonging and significance because all the attention was given to him at least the first one to two years of his life. But this will change once a younger sibling arrives. The middle child normally have low sense of belonging or significance because attention is normally given to the older child (given more power) and the younger child (given more attention) and the youngest child feels the highest belonging but the least significance in the family (attention given but power rarely falls to the youngest sibling).

As for being the only child, most likely their sense of belonging and significance are high. However, lots of parents do everything for their only child and this may make the child to have low significance.

Note: This is just my personal summary of what I understood from Amy McCready’s book “If I have to Tell you One More Time”

There is a big difference between punishment and discipline. I feel most of us were brought up in the punishment era more than discipline. We were afraid of the outcome, hence we stop ourselves from doing it OR we find a way to do it without our parents’ knowledge. I recall the time when my parents used to punish me for not doing well academically by forcing me to increase my study time. So what I did was I went to my room to “study” but in fact I was reading a story book in between by school books.

Punishment means that we always act negatively to a negative behavior. You play with your food, hence you are grounded to your room early. You do not want to keep your toys before meal, hence you are sent to a time-out until you repent or you finish your course of time-out period given. Punishment normally ends up with both sides unhappy, tired & some do not even recall what was it all about and just wants the day to end quickly.

Discipline on the other hand teaches your child what was wrong and give a higher percentage of cooperation..wait, it is WILLING cooperation in future. And as they grow, they will truly understand the reason behind the discipline rather than not doing something because they are too afraid of what punishments will be given to them.

Now, many of us asks ourselves, why can’t these punishment work on my own kids as they did work for myself when my parents imposed the same type of punishment. I recall how “good” I was when I refused to take even fruits from relatives without my mother’s consent (however, as I grew older I ate junk food behind my mother’s back..hahahaha). According to McCready, it is because our environment has changed throughout time. Democracy plays a huge role in this generation. They are also exposed to the internet where they can communicate with friends or find more information and realized that parents do not really have the right to punish them as they like. They notice how the teachers at school respect them and respect their colleagues. Even at our workplace, it is a different ballgame altogether. Previously it was more like “Do as you are told and do not ask too much questions”. But in this era it is more open and management of a lot of companies is open to employee’s thoughts on how to improve the working environment. Kids are the best observers. And when they observe that the environment now is more to democracy, they tend to NOT follow your punishment and hence the daily struggles.

Another point in McCready first chapter is why Time-Outs and Counting to 1,2,3 does not work in a long term running. Time-Out may work the first few times or when the kids are younger. However, it will normally turn out to be a power struggle. An example was given n a kid who played happily with his toy train and wanted to try to put it up on a shelf when suddenly his mother calls him for dinner. Of course he would not want to leave his train without reaching his mission. Hence he said just a few more minutes. And of course as a parent, this is unacceptable because it IS dinner time afterall and not playing time. So, after a few tries on getting her kid to get ready for dinner, she got fed up and punished him to a time-out zone. All the while sitting at the corner, the kid was trying to figure out how to put his train on that shelf and whenever he gets an idea, he will go for it. Mummy of course catches him and forces the time-out to start again. This goes on for 45minutes. Do we have a winner? Or do we have two individuals who went through a POWER STRUGGLE and were just too tired to eat or even talk to each other.

Another way is counting to 3. This way may also work for many occasions, but in actual fact, we are actually giving our child more time to do what they are doing before they follow your instruction. They know that it is wrong but since you have given them more time to finish off what they were doing, they will surely do it as fast as they can before you reach 3.

Personally I have never tried time-out before but have seen it with my own eyes when my sister used it on her children previously. I still do not find it harmful but it does make sense on the power struggle. And thinking back, IF my parents did that to me when I was younger, I might have just think about how much I hated my parents who does not understand me and just think of a way to run away from this punishment the next time. My son is just 21months old, I cannot promise I will not use this way as a way out from positive disciplining but I will surely try my best.

As for counting to 3…I am guilty. My husband and I used this way quite a number of times now especially when my toddler stands on the chair which he knows he is not allowed too. He does wait till we count to 3 before he sits. I am trying to change my approach on this, so wish me luck :P

It has been almost a year since my last post. I have been a busy working mother and trying my best to bring up my child the way that I feel is right.

Currently I am reading this book called “If I Have to Tell You One More Time” by Amy McCready. How often have you heard or even used these words on your children or other people’s children? Well, for me I have heard it many times throughout my childhood and sometimes find myself using it on my 21months old toddler.

I am trying to raise my child through positive parenting and not through the old fashioned Chinese/Asian way of upbringing. But, how do I do it? I need guidance and find that AhaParenting.com by Dr Laura Markham helps a lot. On top of that, I try to get hold of books that may be able to guide me through this process of trying to be a better parent for my child.

I am only at Chapter 2 of this book and yet I have a feeling it is a really good book. Anyway, thought I might summarize some of the key points from every chapter as a reminder to myself (without reading the whole book again) and also for some of my friends who was always interested in learning positive parenting but just do not have the time (nor energy) to read in detail. But bear with me as I will always compare this parenting method with the ones which my parents or many other Asian parents used and still are using. This is just my own thoughts and not to make anyone feel uncomfortable with it.

In any case, I have always tried to follow things which I myself find it to be truthful and make proper sense in following. Hence, I might not agree 100% with what is in the book. So, it is always up to individual and also to your family values.
Summary of Chapter 1 will be coming up soon. Stay tune 