Me and my son on Valentine's Day 2013
There are basically 3 types of ego states that we use to communicate with our children but normally one trumps over the other two. Those three are “The Parent Ego State” which we most often use, “The Adult Ego State” which other adults normally use especially teachers and “The Child Ego State” which parents rarely use. But surprise, surprise! Our child loves it the most when we are in the child ego state and the least when we are in the parent ego state (not hard to believe when you really think about it). Ok, let me explain these three ego states.
The Parent Ego State automatically comes to us. We give instruction, we correct our children, and we teach them what is right and what is wrong. For example when my child climbs the sofa, I automatically correct him to not stand or jump on the sofa. It is afterall my job to tell him right?
The Adult Ego State controls the situation better by letting go a little but still does some disciplining just like the teachers in school. So to us parents, it might make us wonder why at school our children are “better” behaved compared to at home.
The Child Ego State is where we can play and do stuff without thinking so much but just to enjoy ourselves.
For our children, they will always want us to be in the child ego state and this ego state makes the strongest emotional connection between child and parent. But of course as a parent, we cannot always be in this state…it will be chaotic!
And now, the Toolbox No.1 : Mind, Body & Soul Time
This is the most important tool in the Toolbox, according to McCready. It helps in giving the emotional connection that your child needs as well as increasing their sense of belonging and significance. Her idea is to give each child 10minutes of your time, twice a day just to do what he wants and for you to fully participate without any interruptions. When you spend time with him, make sure you are in the child ego state. Just enjoy the interaction with your child and go crazy with him.
These 10minutes should be spending on activities that provide interaction between the both of you such as playing football, ‘masak-masak’, train, etc etc. No TV or video games as this lessen the interaction. However if you child is much older, perhaps you can play those video games that needs both to interact with each other. During these activities, make sure you are fully there (mind, body and soul). Do not think about what to cook for dinner or when can you iron the clothes etc during this time. The child can sense you are not fully there and this will defeat the purpose.
If you are afraid that after that 10minutes, he would whine for more, plan another activity right after this that does not provide you to be next to him such as drawing, painting, reading near you while you cook etc.
It is not a good idea to lump these two sets of 10minutes into one session as they need reassurance of having you for themselves as the day passes by. If you are able to spend more than 10minutes for each session, this is even better.
It is also better to schedule these time for them as kids actually love following routine. You can always name these time with special names such and “Mummy and Ayden special time” or “Daddy and Ayden play time” etc
McCready claims that most parents notice the difference within few days. There were less tantrums, whining, etc from their children. Overall, it actually makes the relationship closer and stronger between parent and child.
As for me, AK and I spend at least half hour to an hour a day just doing the above with Ayden (during weekdays). During this time, we just concentrate on spending time with him by doing activities he is interested in and just get down and go crazy with him by singing, dancing, rolling on the floor etc. However, it is for half hour straight and not divided into two times a day. We may need to strategize our time again.
