Two days ago, I had a very terrible headache since afternoon and it got worse towards evening. It was at a stage that if I went up one more level, it would make me feel nauseous. Hence, I was dreading a little on handling Ayden that day because of all days, it is a day when AK is not around and I had to handle him alone for the rest of the day until he sleeps. Although it is just a few hours but if you are a parent of a very young toddler, you will know that a few hours sometimes can feel like a whole day has passed.

Anyway, I did remind myself to stay calm or else my headache would get worse. During his play time when he asked me to do certain stuff which I knew I cannot do with my head hurting that way, I replied “I am sorry Ayden. Mummy head hurts. Pain. Why don’t you play with your car instead?”. Everything seems fine until it was time to change him after bath. He refused to put his diaper on, refused to put his pajamas on and kept running away. I lost it at one moment and said loudly “STOP IT!!!” and then tried to put his pants on. So he started crying and it got to a point when he just cried and would not move (this means he is very very upset emotionally). During the process of dressing him up while he was crying, I already started feeling guilty that I had to resort to force and shouting. But I knew I had to continue dressing him up before I settle the situation with him because my pain in my head would definitely burst if he continues to refuse on dressing up eventhough I had tried settling with him.

So, I did it as quickly as I can and sat him up. Then I apologized and told him my head hurts and that I was wrong to have shouted at him. I got up to put some stuff back into the cupboard but was stopped by him because he wanted a hug and for me to carry him. Normally when he is not as upset as this moment, he would have used his hands to hit me. But he did not. So I carried him and tried to pacify him and said I was sorry again. After awhile, he was alright.

Then it was time to go into his room for bedtime story and his sleep. Once we entered his room, he went straight for the mattress next to his baby cot and lie there. So, I joined him on the mattress and laid down facing him. He was smiling and I felt love. I smiled back and touch his head lightly and said “Mummy is really sorry about what happened earlier. Mummy had a bad head pain (showing him my head hurts with my hand)….”. Then he placed his hands on my head and said “sayanggggg….”. I was happy. Then I continued saying “Thank you Ayden. But mummy should not have shouted at you or used force on you. Mummy was wrong and mummy is sorry. Mummy promise to control better and try my best not to shout or use force on you next time, OK?”. He just smiled. Then I showed him my little finger and said “Pinky promise?” and guide him how to do a pinky promise. He liked it and wanted to do it 3 more times by saying “Pink---ky Por-mis”.

Although I know he does not quite understand the concept of forgiving yet, but I really felt like I had a magic moment with him then that made me feel better and that I was not a bad mother for him afterall because he accepted me back willingly and happily