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This year has been a blur for me (especially second half of the year). Day in and out just feel like I am just surviving. Recently I even feel like I am a “dead” person because…

1.       I don’t feel like going to work

2.       I don’t feel like working

3.       I don’t feel like waking up in the morning to deal with the kids

4.       I sometimes don’t even feel like eating because of lack of appetite. I stuff myself with junk food to increase my appetite

5.       I look forward to leave my office but I don’t feel like fetching the kids from school

6.       I don’t feel like eating my dinner. Instead, I just feel like going into my bedroom and just lie on bed till I am hungry. Eat, bath, TV, sleep…

7.       I don’t feel like playing with the kids

8.       I don’t want to bath them. I just want to say good night to them and retire myself into my room…my quiet room

Doesn’t this sound like a “dead” person is living inside me?

I do try to enjoy my moments during the day but it is like the evil inside of me wins every single time and brings these feelings in me.

I won’t give up but I do hope I find an epiphany soon..before I turn fully dead inside. Perhaps I am just tired. Perhaps I need a huge change. I hope to find the solution soon.
My dad mentioned something last night

"Aiyo, I don't understand. You eat healthy. You exercise. But you still fall sick like this"

I would like an answer too!

More than 2 years ago, I took a stand in trying to improve my health in any ways I can. Since then, I...
1. Started exercising regularly
2. Started learning how to eat more healthily
3. Started trying and taking supplements
4. Go for health checks

But I still keep falling down on my health and it feels so darn hard when I need to restart everything again. It feels like a never ending cycle :(

Someone gave some advice to me on how to live in harmony with people around you (Be it your spouse pr parents or anyone dear to you). Here are some pointers

1. To accept that nobody is perfect
2. To accept each of our weaknesses and focus on each other's strengths
3. To have no expectations but more of a mutual understanding
4. To accept one as a whole and not pin point on what is wrong (means even if you dislike a certain type of habit or attitude but he or she comes with it, you got to fully accept it whole heartedly)

All I can say is...this person must be living in an almosy perfect life. If each and every person in this world is like this person, there would certainly be no arguments, no war...but just love.

Is it possible? I hardly think so. I feel that it is more of a "click" of personalities (with some little effort) that brings harmony between two people. It is very hard to accept another person's habit/character that you just cannot make yourself accept it.

What do you think?
I started my fitness journey on May 2015. It was a roller coaster since then. However, I have gained these few habits in my life now...
1) Fitness is part of my life...can't seem to live without exercising for long
2) Learned how to eat healthier
3) Looking at my body in the mirror (errrr....not such a positive habit...hehehe)

However, I have not been able to be consistent on my exercises and also grew weaker after a few months of being too busy or falling sick (again).

So I must remind myself this

What I need to do now is to get my ass up and start my exercise regime back again. Planning to learn some yoga by a professional while I continue to do my walks or run on my treadmill.

Wish me luck!
I have come to a conclusion about myself (or rather from people around me).

People seems to indicate this to me

 Feels like all these while the problem has always been me. So now I feel like this...

But I have no idea how to do it because everytime I try to change my mindset, it backfires on me. But if I do not change, I feel that I will be pushing more and more people away especially to my love ones. Ohhh, why am I ME? I guess the phrase "Just be Yourself" is just not for me.

I have never been good at handling with squabbles even if it does not involves me directly. I recall these few situations very clearly:-

1.       When I was just in primary school, my god-father came home drunk and picked some verbal fights with my god-siblings. I ran into the room and cried and kept telling one of my god-sister to get my god-father to stop quarrelling

2.       When I was in early secondary school, my dad and brother had an argument at the dining table. I could not stand it and went into my room and cried.

It seems like the situation hasn’t change much (I just noticed this connection). I just could not stand my kids arguing/squabbling with each other. It makes my whole body so uncomfortable. Feels like I cannot breathe. Feels like my heart is not mine. Feels like my head is going to blow. I feel like going into my room and cry.
It has been awhile since I wrote. Been busy with my son and being pregnant for the second time..hehehe. Just like my first pregnancy, my second pregnancy’s symptoms were also quite bad (headache, nausea, vomiting for 19 weeks before it subsided. Vomiting from 4 to 7 times a day was the average). However, I am thankful that this time around I manage to keep my sanity intact unlike my first pregnancy. Sure there were crying episodes and lots of complaining, but it never came close to losing my mind.

Anyway, I am now at 38 weeks and will be meeting my second little pea in a week’s time. This time around, it will be a princess. I am very excited yet nervous at the same time. Having a newborn again in the family with a 3 year old toddler to care for would be a challenge.

Motherhood has been challenging even after 3 years of experiencing it. I think it is a never ending challenge till I leave this world. I can be so in love with my son at one time and yet feel like hitting him for being so “ungrateful” at another time and thoughts like “why did I have to insist on having children” will pop in my head once in awhile. But at the end of the day, I will not want to change the fact that I am a mother to Ayden and I am sure I will feel the same about my second child.

Meanwhile, I have to start getting my emotions ready to receive this newly god given child of mine soon. Wish me luck and wish me lots of patience in handling my children…hehehe.

AKPP with our little princess at about 31.5 weeks
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